We often get stuck in ruts. It's easiest to keep doing the same thing—once a pattern (good or bad) is established, we tend to keep doing things the same way. One of my deepest ruts is how fast I live my life. How much I try to squeeze into each day to live up to my own expectations. How hard it is for me to be okay with down-time. I have been consciously making different choices to try and get out of this rut for the last 3 years, but because it is so ingrained, it has been slow going. Of course there has been progress! I have become so much more okay with slowing down, saying no, and doing things just for fun. But a recent event has given me the opportunity for some concentrated time in the new ruts.
The event? Being sick! Sicker than I have ever been in my life. Sick and recovering for 2 weeks! Sick enough that all of my energy went just to taking care of myself.
It was hard to do. Taking care of myself is something I have only really learned to do in the last few years... when I found the GAPS protocol. It was then that I started to believe that it is important, and right, to take care of myself. And I began learning how to do it. I have been a slow learner... being busy and productive was so deeply ingrained in me that it has required a lot of purposeful energy and conscious thought to make choices that take me out of that rut.
I still considered myself a beginner at self-care. But after these two weeks I may be about to level up!
I had to let go of so many things as I allowed my body to heal. And I mean really let go. I could not catch up, make up, or push through like I usually can. I was focused on one thing: me. And that focus was obligatory, I had no real choice in the matter.
As I canceled my schedule day after day, I had to remember that my worth was unattached to my productivity or presence.
As I thought about everything on my to-do list that was not getting done, I had to remember that God is in control of growing my business.
As I gave my body the best support I could using herbs, essential oils, vitamins, and meat stock, I had to remember that healing is complex, and our bodies are amazing!
As I wondered at times if my body was strong enough to handle whatever was going on, I had to remember that it was okay to ask for help, and to receive it.
I was sick enough for long enough that I also needed time to recover. That means I couldn't jump back in a full speed once I was feeling better. I had to evaluate my important tasks, and be realistic in what I could accomplish in between naps. Part of me thinks that I will go back to how I was before. But most of me doesn't want that. Slowing down is refreshing and freeing. Tasks are so much easier when I let God carry the burden, instead of trying to bear it on my shoulders alone. I don't know if I can stay out of my old ruts, but I pray that I can. I want to keep making these new ruts deeper.
As I go, Onward!